First off – glossary of terms used in this post.

CALAPST – This component no longer appears to work or function. A major spelling error of the word COLLAPSED seen on a post on a car group I help run.

EMOTY – An annual test performed by a grumpy twat with a screwdriver. These EMOTY TESTERS usually have perversions for shoving said screwdriver through the bottom of your car. In this case, some brain dead idiot exerted more effort to misspell MoT.

OMFGHGF – Oh my fucking God, head gasket failure.

FIXT – In relation to the calapst item, it has been repaired and deemed fully functional.

Mishaps

2017 started with and ended with some form of Fiat Punto. The silver 1200 Active that we’d had for a few years decided just after Christmas that its oil had no place staying in the sump. The steel on the sump had become so thin you could read through it so inevitably there was more oil on Cornwall’s roads than in my Fiat. The exhaust was blowing so needed replacement. So armed with parts I set about replacing the parts.

Or at least that was the plan. I did my back in the day after the exhaust arrived, so I sent it across to the garage I used to use for them to fit the sump and exhaust. But the catalyst also allegedly needed replacing because the flange was “non-existant due to excessive corrosion”. This is the same garage that managed to mess up the driveshaft on my MG four times. So, when I got the car back, the exhaust was misaligned and banging on the rear axle. They also neglected to leave me the remainder of the oil I supplied and tried to charge me for 3 litres of 15W40 (Anyone who knows these engines, it’s 10W40). Anyway, the bill was sorted out with some hefty discount applied, because the one thing you don’t do is a try to rip off someone who worked in the trade for over a decade.

OMFGHGF

The Punto provided sterling service for the next six months until we were 380 miles away from home. I’d noticed it lost power and started to misfire, so as we were on the A1(M) I pulled off at the next exit, found a safe place to pull over and assessed the situation. The cooling system had many pressurisings and when I re-started it, the Punto turned into a Tefal steam iron. The RAC turned up, confirmed what I already knew which was the head gasket was shot. They then proceeded to recover us and the car where we would be staying. It was 18 miles short of ticking over to 100,000 miles.

A tale of two Datsuns

With the Punto neatly* parked in the bin stores, my good mate Dicky came to the rescue with his K11 Datsun and lent it to us for a week so we could continue hospital appointments and visits with the family we were visiting. By the end of the week, I had said goodbye to the Punto thanks to a Middlesbrough based scrap man picking it up and handing over literally some money. We also picked up a K12 Micra from a trader in Middlesbrough, and finally met up with Dicky and his lovely wife to return the K11.

The early part of the week had seen all the usual places to look for OMGCHEEPKARZ WITH EMOTY scrutinised looking for the next set of wheels. Many cars were viewed, many were rejected because the 400 odd mile journey home would have been impossible in those shit heaps. We were determined to buy another car rather than hire one to get home. Why not? The same approach got us the Rover 25 and that turned out to be a cracking little car. Now, as I’m sure you’re aware, I’m something of a Fiat apologist so when the advert for a silver Stilo 1.8 3 door came up I jumped at it. Sadly that had sold as quickly as it was advertised, but the chap selling it told me he also had a Punto come in, so to come down and look at that.

We did just that and it looked more doomed than ours. The sump was knackered, coolant stains around the bottom of the radiator and support and a 710 cap that had shares in Hellmans. At that moment, Her Indoors spotted a Micra at the corner of Slim Shady’s lot that she liked the look of. It appeared to be in reasonable condition and drove fine. In fact, it was one of the first cars that looked as if it would make the trip home to Cornwall. It had a few months EMOTY so 300 quid was handed over and we drove it away. What could possibly go wrong?

Quite a lot, as it happens

Our initial view on this Datsun was if it packs up when we get home, then it has paid for itself. Well, it wasn’t quite as soon as we got home, but not long after. It started displaying a few electrical maladies quite quickly, but nothing that was overly serious. It also developed an occasional misfire at idle, but whenever I went to investigate it, it would bloody disappear, which was frustrating to say the least. But whilst spending time fault finding minor issues, I got to know the car quite well.

I’ll start with the positives, and firstly it’s hard to ignore the styling. I think these things look brilliant, whether three or five door and whatever the specification. Secondly, it was a decent place to sit with comfortable seats, a well designed dashboard with decent control placement and operation and a good driving position. Roomy, too. I’m six foot and I could sit in the back behind my driving position with leg and headroom to spare. How can car manufacturers not do this today? It was also a fairly decent drive with a nice gearchange, good brakes and tidy enough handling. The only minor criticism would be the electric power steering, which was overly light and lacked feel. The 1.0 engine was a gem, too.

Negatives, well, I’m startng with the interior door fittings. Made out the same plastic they make plant pots from, and the door bins were that small I could just about fit my RAC card in it. They were that narrow that when i needed to retrieve said RAC card, I had to cut off my fingers. The electrics were a nightmare and I’m a seasoned Fiat owner.

More calapst motors

With regards to maintenance, it soldiered on without the need to top up the oil or coolant. However time came for its EMOTY, and it failed. Rear brakes cylinders, track rod ends, brake hoses and brake pipes had all calapst. With all that FIXT, I was due to get it waxoyled, but no sooner the printer ink dried on the test certificate, the Skoda broke down. Didn’t need much of a diagnosis – there had been a bit of rattling from the gearbox and it was difficult to get into gear. Then there was a loud bang and no gears. So the Skoda was taken away by the scrap man, and its replacement arrived.

True to form with my car ownership, no sooner the Skoda’s replacement turned up, the Micra calapst. Eventually it was sold in February this year after the headlights and wipers packed up. The fault was traced to either the fusebox (or IPDM – Intelligent Power Distribution Module as Datsun call it) or body computer. Neither of which I could justify replacing on a 300 quid car, so it got sold onto a Datsun bothering trader.

Replacement

The temporary replacement for the Datsun was a Punto 60SX, and I’ll write about this in due course. I bought a Ka to replace the Skoda. It was shit. The end.