I love writing about cars and music, and when I write something about music, or an album I like, I tend to write about it quite a while after the initial release. That gives me time to get to know the album, get to enjoy it and listen to it in many different scenarios – on the turntable, in the car, at work or relaxing with the headphones on. In this instance, it’s pretty much a year down the line since this album was released, so I’ve really got to know it. But then, we have had quite a wait for this album in the first place…

Something like this only happens once every million and six years, and I’m not talking about some fantastic geological event, it’s much more important than that. It’s a new Lightning Seeds album, and as such I feel absolutely obliged to write about it because, well, it’s the Lightning Seeds and they’ve got me through thick and thin. Rough with the smooth. Clean with the dirty. You get the point. It’s the first new music from Ian Broudie in thirteen years, which was the very underrated Lightning Seeds album Four Winds. It’s full of Broudie’s trademark melodies, brilliantly layered vocals, immaculate production and more than a hint of melancholy in the lyrics. Ian has claimed that he was anxious about releasing new material, but he needn’t have been.

But before we get to the album, I’m going to waffle about the band for a little bit. As far as I’m concerned, they’ve never sounded better. That’s not a slight on other lineups, but this lineup works. I’ve seen them a couple of times in the last couple of years and the playing is fantastic, they sound energised and there’s a sense of really wanting to be up on the stage. There’s a brilliant rhythm section made up of long-time Lightning Seed Martyn Campbell on the bass, and Jim Sharrock (nephew of Seeds original drummer Chris Sharrock) on the drums. Get a decent rhythm section and your band is made, and this rhythm section is, erm, marvellous. Perfect, you could say. Ian’s son Riley is an excellent presence on guitar, and there’s some fantastic Father – Son moments on stage. Adele Emmas brings some great keyboards, samples and lovely vocals to the band. And Ian? Well, he looks like he’s having the time of his life, and that comes across in the performances.

Before we even press the play button, the cast of players and singers on the album is boss. Among others, Miles Kane, Terry Hall, James Skelley and a welcome return of Angie Pollock join the current lineup. The album starts off perfectly with Losing You, a song about falling in and out of love and trying to be as positive as possible – say yes rather than no. It was recorded in an afternoon with foot tapping and lap slapping for percussion in a similar vein to Buddy Holly or Paul McCartney. I love the vocals and the harmonies are fabulous and in a shade over 2 and a half minutes it’s done, but it builds up to track two beautifully.

Track two is one of the (many) stand-out songs and it’s Emily Smiles. More of those harmonies and a groovy 60s vibe. Chosen as the second proper single to promote the album, there was a great promo video recorded featuring Ian, Riley, Martyn, Adele and Jim. Emily Smiles is bittersweet, as on the one hand it’s full of classic Lightning Seeds hooks and wouldn’t have been out of place on Dizzy Heights. To paraphrase Ian, It’s about how life can be changed by unexpected events and moments and how differences can be solved simply by a smile. With the passing of time, we realise Emily Smiles was the final song co-written with the late, great Terry Hall. A close friend and frequent collaborator of Ian’s, he died in December 2022 after battling pancreatic cancer. Being a massive fan of Terry’s – his album Home is one of my all time favourites – it’s a celebrity death that’s hit me hard. But the fact that the last song he co-wrote with Ian is such a stunner is a fantastic way to remember him.

Musically, Green Eyes seems to follow on from Pure. It has a lovely little melodic flourish throughout that resembles the melodic flourish from Pure, and the lyrics follow a similar theme, too. Falling in love, hoping it won’t end, and the lyrics “my pages are torn, but you’re reading them right” floor me every time. Another stand out song on the album

Great To Be Alive is such a hopeful tune and was the first song recorded for the album. Great To Be Alive was recorded with, co-produced and co-written by James Skelley of The Coral. The message of the song is no matter how bad things can be and hurt you can be, life really is worth living, get out there and enjoy it. Great To Be Alive should be people’s mantra.

Sunshine was the first glimpse we all had of new Lightning Seeds material and after the first listen, I was incredibly happy. Really sounded like they hadn’t been away. The message conveyed is it doesn’t really matter what’s going on in the world, when the sun comes out everything is better. I’m sat on a cold, wet Cornish October evening writing this and listening to this song as I type, and instantly I’ve been transported back to summer. An absolute gem of a song.

Fit For Purpose. Such a dreamy melody with lovely strings, which add a touch of melancholy. By Ian’s own admission, he’s a blue soul. This song’s message is to take that darkness and face it head on, don’t let it beat you. We should all take Ian’s advice

Live To Love You is another song recorded with James Skelley in just a day. Delightfully simple, upbeat, acoustic and with irresistible harmonies once again. Absolutely love the guitars, too. Easily one of my favourites on the album. Sounds unbelievable on vinyl.

Permanent Danger is a song I can relate to only too well. Starting off with a drum machine beat and Ian’s unmistakable acoustic guitars. If ever a song could express what I feel and go through sometimes, this is it. It’s a fairly tough listen but probably has the most direct lyrics I’ve heard in a Lightning Seeds song. This is one I hold close, but it needs to be counteracted by listening to Fit For Purpose and It’s Great To Be Alive. Some days I think something’s gonna blow indeed.

For a bit of respite, the upbeat Motown-esque Walk Another Mile follows. According to Ian “This is two imaginary people, in my head, arguing about the end of a relationship and blaming each other.” Such a catchy tune, and I guarantee you’ll be humming it for hours.

See You In Stars. Oh boy. I’ve had a good cry at this one. Written as a love song to a friend of Ian’s that passed away. Someone who put him back on track after a particularly dark time. In Ian’s own words “this song is basically saying: I hope I see you later.” It’s the last song on the album as a tribute. My own story with this song is back in July I was supposed to be travelling from Cornwall up to Cambridgeshire to see a friend and join him for a big car show. Plans were thrown into slight disarray when a long time friend of the family died suddenly. I went to her funeral (in High Wycombe, the day I should have been travelling from Cornwall, but we came up a day earlier) and told her I’d see her in the stars as I was at the casket. As the wake was drawing to a close, I left and drove to Cambridge. Half way through the journey, Spotify (other streaming services are available) decided to play “I’ll See You In My Dreams” by Bruce Springsteen and immediately followed it with See You In The Stars. That finished me off so I had to pull over so I could have a good old sob. After what seemed like an eternity, I pulled myself together enough to continue the journey. Ever since, this song really sets me off (I’ve just listened again and had a moment) as it reminds me of our friend, plus others we love that have gone. I’ve adopted the sentiment of the title as my own. We’ll see them again one day . We’ll see them in the stars.

Twelve months on from initial release haven’t softened the impact of the album for me. There’s a myriad of emotions to explore, a great number of musical layers to peel. It certainly hasn’t got any less interesting. And it came at a time I really bloody needed it, too, just as Jollification did over 25 years before. Jollification became the soundtrack of me growing up, it was my go-to long player throughout my teenage years, I sought comfort in it when times were really bloody shit and can be credited for saving my life. But it’s not all baggage, because when the times were good, I made sure Jollification was there to create the soundtrack to fantastic memories – my wife loves it, my son knows all the words. But just over a week after the release of See You In The Stars, my Dad had a stroke serious enough that we nearly lost him. I sought comfort in the Lightning Seeds once again, and I had a new album to take comfort in. See You In The Stars got me through that period, and has become a companion just as the other albums have, such is the power and importance of music.

One last thing. Maybe two. They say never meet your heroes, but I’m here to tell you it’s utter bollocks. After the Bristol Jollification gig in September 2021, my wife and I met Ian and chatted to him for what seemed like ages, and he signed my ticket. We met Riley, too, and he’s a lovely lad. Absolute Gents and lovely fellas – don’t ever change. Also, this year I took my 12 year old son to his first gig, Lightning Seeds at Falmouth Week, and the upshot is he can’t wait for the next one.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading my waffle. My next mission? Get all my Lightning Seeds rarities back online in some format…

First off – glossary of terms used in this post.

CALAPST – This component no longer appears to work or function. A major spelling error of the word COLLAPSED seen on a post on a car group I help run.

EMOTY – An annual test performed by a grumpy twat with a screwdriver. These EMOTY TESTERS usually have perversions for shoving said screwdriver through the bottom of your car. In this case, some brain dead idiot exerted more effort to misspell MoT.

OMFGHGF – Oh my fucking God, head gasket failure.

FIXT – In relation to the calapst item, it has been repaired and deemed fully functional.

Mishaps

2017 started with and ended with some form of Fiat Punto. The silver 1200 Active that we’d had for a few years decided just after Christmas that its oil had no place staying in the sump. The steel on the sump had become so thin you could read through it so inevitably there was more oil on Cornwall’s roads than in my Fiat. The exhaust was blowing so needed replacement. So armed with parts I set about replacing the parts.

Or at least that was the plan. I did my back in the day after the exhaust arrived, so I sent it across to the garage I used to use for them to fit the sump and exhaust. But the catalyst also allegedly needed replacing because the flange was “non-existant due to excessive corrosion”. This is the same garage that managed to mess up the driveshaft on my MG four times. So, when I got the car back, the exhaust was misaligned and banging on the rear axle. They also neglected to leave me the remainder of the oil I supplied and tried to charge me for 3 litres of 15W40 (Anyone who knows these engines, it’s 10W40). Anyway, the bill was sorted out with some hefty discount applied, because the one thing you don’t do is a try to rip off someone who worked in the trade for over a decade.

OMFGHGF

The Punto provided sterling service for the next six months until we were 380 miles away from home. I’d noticed it lost power and started to misfire, so as we were on the A1(M) I pulled off at the next exit, found a safe place to pull over and assessed the situation. The cooling system had many pressurisings and when I re-started it, the Punto turned into a Tefal steam iron. The RAC turned up, confirmed what I already knew which was the head gasket was shot. They then proceeded to recover us and the car where we would be staying. It was 18 miles short of ticking over to 100,000 miles.

A tale of two Datsuns

With the Punto neatly* parked in the bin stores, my good mate Dicky came to the rescue with his K11 Datsun and lent it to us for a week so we could continue hospital appointments and visits with the family we were visiting. By the end of the week, I had said goodbye to the Punto thanks to a Middlesbrough based scrap man picking it up and handing over literally some money. We also picked up a K12 Micra from a trader in Middlesbrough, and finally met up with Dicky and his lovely wife to return the K11.

The early part of the week had seen all the usual places to look for OMGCHEEPKARZ WITH EMOTY scrutinised looking for the next set of wheels. Many cars were viewed, many were rejected because the 400 odd mile journey home would have been impossible in those shit heaps. We were determined to buy another car rather than hire one to get home. Why not? The same approach got us the Rover 25 and that turned out to be a cracking little car. Now, as I’m sure you’re aware, I’m something of a Fiat apologist so when the advert for a silver Stilo 1.8 3 door came up I jumped at it. Sadly that had sold as quickly as it was advertised, but the chap selling it told me he also had a Punto come in, so to come down and look at that.

We did just that and it looked more doomed than ours. The sump was knackered, coolant stains around the bottom of the radiator and support and a 710 cap that had shares in Hellmans. At that moment, Her Indoors spotted a Micra at the corner of Slim Shady’s lot that she liked the look of. It appeared to be in reasonable condition and drove fine. In fact, it was one of the first cars that looked as if it would make the trip home to Cornwall. It had a few months EMOTY so 300 quid was handed over and we drove it away. What could possibly go wrong?

Quite a lot, as it happens

Our initial view on this Datsun was if it packs up when we get home, then it has paid for itself. Well, it wasn’t quite as soon as we got home, but not long after. It started displaying a few electrical maladies quite quickly, but nothing that was overly serious. It also developed an occasional misfire at idle, but whenever I went to investigate it, it would bloody disappear, which was frustrating to say the least. But whilst spending time fault finding minor issues, I got to know the car quite well.

I’ll start with the positives, and firstly it’s hard to ignore the styling. I think these things look brilliant, whether three or five door and whatever the specification. Secondly, it was a decent place to sit with comfortable seats, a well designed dashboard with decent control placement and operation and a good driving position. Roomy, too. I’m six foot and I could sit in the back behind my driving position with leg and headroom to spare. How can car manufacturers not do this today? It was also a fairly decent drive with a nice gearchange, good brakes and tidy enough handling. The only minor criticism would be the electric power steering, which was overly light and lacked feel. The 1.0 engine was a gem, too.

Negatives, well, I’m startng with the interior door fittings. Made out the same plastic they make plant pots from, and the door bins were that small I could just about fit my RAC card in it. They were that narrow that when i needed to retrieve said RAC card, I had to cut off my fingers. The electrics were a nightmare and I’m a seasoned Fiat owner.

More calapst motors

With regards to maintenance, it soldiered on without the need to top up the oil or coolant. However time came for its EMOTY, and it failed. Rear brakes cylinders, track rod ends, brake hoses and brake pipes had all calapst. With all that FIXT, I was due to get it waxoyled, but no sooner the printer ink dried on the test certificate, the Skoda broke down. Didn’t need much of a diagnosis – there had been a bit of rattling from the gearbox and it was difficult to get into gear. Then there was a loud bang and no gears. So the Skoda was taken away by the scrap man, and its replacement arrived.

True to form with my car ownership, no sooner the Skoda’s replacement turned up, the Micra calapst. Eventually it was sold in February this year after the headlights and wipers packed up. The fault was traced to either the fusebox (or IPDM – Intelligent Power Distribution Module as Datsun call it) or body computer. Neither of which I could justify replacing on a 300 quid car, so it got sold onto a Datsun bothering trader.

Replacement

The temporary replacement for the Datsun was a Punto 60SX, and I’ll write about this in due course. I bought a Ka to replace the Skoda. It was shit. The end.

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve bored people with my yapping on about my old bangers so I thought I’d bore you all with the details of my latest incidents, break downs, purchases and general motoring mishaps. Oh joy*, you’re thinking.

Well, it starts from where I left off in the previous blog entry with the Fiat Punto Active. About a month into ownership, I heard a ticking noise from the engine then an almighty bang. All power was lost and the dashboard lit up like Blackpool. Managed to coast it to out of harm’s way and left it whilst cursing it. Walked home, had a pasty and a cup of tea and walked back with some tools. Turns out the number three spark plug had decided to part company with where it should be. Quite conveniently, I had a service kit in the boot as that was one of the jobs I was going to do that weekend. Took out the spark plugs, noticed that whoever serviced the car before had fitted two different makes of spark plug – two Bosch, two had some Chinese script on the side. It was one of the Chinese plugs that went popped out. So, new set of plugs, started up and ran like a dream. Quick engine service done there and then and all good.

In the mean time, the Hyundai’s electrical system was proving to be a bit problematic in that it some of the time it didn’t want to start if it was cold. Or hot. Or warm. Or wet. Or dry. Or if the day of the week ended in Y. WD40 and a hammer generally worked quite well, as did replacing God knows how many sensors. On more than one occasion I had to leave the sodding thing at work because it wouldn’t start. Many swearings were sent in its direction, many Basil Fawltys were sent its way and how did it reward me a few weeks later? Spewing its oil out of the rotten oil filter and cam cover gasket.

Back to the Fiat and coming up to a year into ownership, November meant it was MoT time. Dreading handing over the keys as I generally do, I left it in their hands awaiting that bloody phone call. Not that I needed to worry, it went straight through no problems! Nothing else really happened in 2015 with the cars, but 2016 started off pretty shite. Not only were a whole host of famous people I like dying, things were happening to the cars too. The Fiat developed a stress crack in the windscreen, which was replaced.

The Hyundai, however, was a bit worse than that. It had developed a knock from the driveshaft and the running and starting problem returned. The nail in its coffin, mind, was the left hand front brake sticking fully on whilst driving along. On one occasion the damn thing pulled me into a hedge, and it wasn’t the sort of hedge I wanted to be in. It need a driveshaft, a front brake caliper and the electrics sorting and was going to cost far more than I wanted to spend on it to keep it running. To celebrate* this, I deliberately crashed it into some things then put it up for sale for scrap money, but no takers. In the end, I loaded it up one evening with an old washing machine and some old scrap metal ready to take it to the scrap yard the following morning. As it happened, I got a text message 7.15 the next morning with someone wanting to buy it. Before 8AM, I had exhanged money and keys, signed the log book away and had double what the scrap yard wanted. Bonus thing too, he took the scrap metal away with it.

So we were on the lookout for a new chariot, had a look at quite a few and although we same a few nice cars along the way, we saw a lot of really shocking nonsense. By far and away the nicest car I saw was a 1996 Fiat Bravo 1.8 HLX which would have fitted the bill quite nicely. But it was pretty much factory fresh, 22,000 miles from new unmarked interior and totally original. I walked away from it because doing the school run in that everyday, it would end up wrecked thanks to other morons – the main reason I parted with my 205. Plus, I needed a daily driver that would take a four year old boy with all his mess and a 33 year old wife with all her mess. This was far too nice, and we didn’t have the funds to buy two cars.

The search continued and my wife and I were doing the very modern thing of ignoring each other and having our heads stuck in our phones. We were both looking for cars and we were looking at a particular car at the same time. The wife and I agreed that we should look at it, so she made the arrangements as she had a day off. Now bearing in mind the last car she bought home and did the deal for was the Rover 25 (which turned out to be a pretty damn good car), it’s only fitting it should be the car pictured on the above right there somewhere.

So, Domestic Management did the deal and later that day we were literally some pounds lighter and driving home in a turbo diesel MG ZR. Yes, I know, me with a diesel! It pulls superbly, handles well and is great to drive. It’s not without fault, though. The sunroof leaks occasionally (standard feature), the goon that had it before me disconnected the rear speakers and CD changer and installed the current stereo like a complete minkey. About four weeks into ownership, it developed a knock from the left hand front, which a replacement drive shaft sorted. The driver’s side window doesn’t always align properly when returning to the top. Most of these are tiny niggles that can be lived with, but thankfully the money we knocked off the asking price of the car paid for the drive shaft.

With all this attention the new addition to the family, the Punto felt left out which it decided to prove on the Thursday before Good Friday. A phone call from the wife at 7am with the words “The Punto has broken down. I heard a bang and the clutch pedal stayed down” sounded expensive. Intitial thoughts were clutch, probably gearbox but whatever it was, it was going to be expensive. The RAC collected it and dumped it with the mechanic who looks after it and MoTs it, when he then informed me it probably wouldn’t be ready until after Easter. Oh fuck it. But then, a phone call three hours later informing me it was the slave cylinder and that he managed to obtain one and fit it was excellent news. Later that week, I decided to paint the rusty sump and give it a damn good clean. It’s been good as gold since, but need to put a new set of tyres on it before very long.

Both are behaving themselves at the moment. I’ll leave it at that…

Alone In The Universe

I meant to write about this back when the album came out, but being lazy and neglecting my blog to a certain degree, I never got around to it. However, I’ve got my backside in gear thanks in no small part to going to a certain gig a couple of weeks back.

But first, the album. I don’t really look forward to new releases except for a few artists. Jeff Lynne is one of them – I pre-ordered the deluxe version and it arrived the day of release. So, armed with a set of headphones I gave it a spin. Now under the moniker Jeff Lynne’s ELO, Jeff plays all the instruments himself, aside from some background vocals by his daughter Laura, and a few bits of percussion by his sound engineer. As before, he writes it all and produces it all. I’d already heard When I Was A Boy, the autobiographical single, and as well as opening the album brilliantly, fits alongside the old classics with consummate ease.

Love and Rain has some very pleasing guitar sounds and I defy anyone not to sing along with Dirty To The Bone after the first listen. When The Night Comes sees Jeff put a slight reggae slant on proceedings, and pretty successfully too. The Sun Will Shine On You is one of the best ballads Lynne has penned and is the stand out song on the LP for me.

Ain’t It A Drag takes inspiration from Mersey Beat and is a great up-tempo number, brought back down to Earth by another slow tune All My Life. I’m Leaving You is more than a cursory nod to Roy Orbison, but if I’m honest is probably the weaker song on the album.

Another stand out track on the album is One Step At A Time. For all the nay-sayers that say this isn’t ELO, listen to this song, it has all the ingredients you could want and sounds like it would fit in on Discovery after Last Train To London very well indeed. Title track ends the proceedings, if you haven’t got the deluxe version, and again sees Lynne penning one of his best ballads so far.

So, to sum up, Alone In The Universe doesn’t break any new ground but it doesn’t have to. For those that see ELO as nothing but a guilty pleasure (a phrase I hate), this album proves that Lynne is a master of his craft and certainly still has a knack for knocking out irresistible melodies and choruses. My only criticism of the album only applies to the deluxe version. The title track finishes off the album perfectly, then Fault Line kicks in, a song I don’t particularly care for. The other bonus track Blue is brilliant and should have been on the regular release, but slightly further back in the running order. But hey, this is nit-picking, it’s a fantastic album.

It’s a four and a half out of five for me.

Jeff Lynne’s ELO – Genting Arena 16/4/2016

The tail end of last year saw me purchase tickets to go and see Jeff Lynne’s ELO in his home town of Birmingham. The fact he was planning to do a tour was an event enough, especially as much as Jeff disliked touring. The radio 2 Hyde Park gig went down so well, it prompted this tour and the album. Time seemed to drag waiting for it, checking the post every day to see if the tickets had arrived. The excitement building up like I was a school boy again.

Fast forward to the night of the 16th April. Genting Arena at the NEC, we arrive and carry out the act of purchasing the obligatory tour programme, t-shirt, mugs and keyrings. We were sat quite far back, but as it happened had a perfect view.

The support band came on, and it was a band I had liked for a number of years. The Feeling, evident in their own song writing that they are fans of ELO (and 10cc, Wings and Supertramp) kicked off the night in great fashion performing some of their well known hits – Fill My Little World, Love It When You Call, Sewn, Never Be Lonely and an outstanding number from their new album. Best support act I’ve seen and I urge anyone who doesn’t own their material to buy some, and I would definitely recommend seeing them live.

A small wait, then it was time for the main show. A musical introduction morphed into an album track, Tightrope, a firm fan favourite, then went into hit single after hit single. Evil Woman, All Over The World, Living Thing, all brilliant songs and brilliantly played. When I Was a Boy, as I mentioned earlier, fits in wonderfully with the old classics and seeing it performed with them here just proves that further. Not only did it not sound out of place, but the whole audience sat and listened to it and it got one of the biggest applauses of the night. It was also the start of a nearly 34 year old man shedding a tear or two.

The audience and atmosphere were brilliant, the crowd singing along with Wild West Hero was spine-tingling as were the vocals from Jeff and the band. More tear shedding occurred during Can’t Get It Out of My Head but my personal highlights of the evening were 10538 Overture followed straight away by Secret Messages. These are two of my all time favourite ELO tunes, and the arrangement for Secret Messages live was fantastic.

More hits such as Turn To Stone, Don’t Bring Me Down, Sweet Talkin’ Woman were played with precision and the rendition of album track Steppin’ Out was superb. Everything right up to Mr Blue Sky where realisation crept in that this was near the end of the set, but this was played in its entirety and did it sound good. Off stage for a few moments before coming back on to do a rocking rendition of Roll Over Beethoven for the encore. Then that was it, all over and far too soon. A little under two hours went very quickly indeed, too quickly.

The sound was excellent, the playing from Jeff and the band was superb, the vocals were on top form as were the strings and keyboards. The icing on the cake was the light and stage display – you had to be there. My wife and I were, we were two of the 170,000 people that have seen ELO on this current tour. If they do it again, we’re going. One of the best concerts I’ve been to, and a real master class in how to do it properly.

As you may be aware, I’m a Lightning Seeds fan. I’ve set up another blog.

Go visit it: http://andrexlightningseeds.wordpress.com/

Cheers and gone!

I’ve made no secret that however good and however bad they can be, I’m extremely passionate about Italian cars. So when I learn that Lancia is to become an Italy-only brand, that angers me a little bit. Sergio Marchionne has been playing about with the Fiat Group again and has announced that Lancia are to stop selling cars around the world and will now be exclusive to Italy. Genius, Sergio. But then, to be fair, Lancias stopped being any good over ten years ago. Being a staunch Fiat fan, the fact that Lancias have been largely Fiat based since the 1970s hasn’t bothered me. I’m a big fan of the Delta and Prisma (Strada based), Y10 (mixture of Uno and Panda), the Beta and Monte Carlo used Fiat oily bits and latterly Nuova Delta and Dedra were based upon Tipo underpinnings. But I can’t pretend to like the current range or any of its immediate predecessors. Certainly there’s nothing in the current range that captures that certain something that the Fulvias, Flavias, Appias and Aurelias had by the bucket load. These were luxurious cars with a sporting edge.

But now, with the exception of Ypsilon and Delta (which are still Fiat based) the Lancia range consists of nothing more than rebranded, mediocre Chrysler vehicles. Come on, there’s a Lancia badged Chrysler Voyager for Christ’s sake! The brand has no focus, but then again there is no focus within the Fiat Group and I despair! The target of my despair? Sergio Marchionne.

Surgical Mascarpone runs the whole thing and is a monumental bellend. At one point, Fiat was a world beater with class-leading, no-nonsense small cars, interesting medium sized cars, makers of fantastic sports cars on a budget and most important of all, technical innovators. People forget Fiat pioneered the transverse engine with end-on gearbox layout that is basically blueprint for front wheel drive cars nowadays, that the 124 was the first car to have front AND rear disc brakes, the first vehicle to have an intermittant wiper system was a Fiat (124, again) and the first direct injection diesel passenger car was a Fiat Croma. But what of their current range? The Panda is brilliant, make no mistake. But the Punto, when did you last see one that wasn’t a demonstrator? It was a great car when it came out but it is hopefully dated when compared with its rivals. When you consider the average lifespan of a vehicle is six years, the Punto in its current form has been around nine years. They’re not that cheap anymore either. Then there’s the Austin Maxi of the range – the Bravo. These are dead in the water, despite being a good car. But Fiat haven’t really developed it, promoted or pushed the car, certainly not in the UK anyway. Worse still, when the Bravo ceases production, there will be no replacement. Then there’s the 500 which is Fiat’s halo car and also the thorn in its side.

Fiat have come to rely a little bit too much on all things 500. There’s now an Abarth 500, a convertible 500, a large 500, and MPV 500 and soon there’s going to be a 500 SUV! And there is going to be yet more 500 based “treats” for us to relish. You see, when Punto eventually ends production it is going to be replaced by a 500 type vehicle which means Fiat will be selling only Panda and 500 branded products. Stupid.And what of my most beloved of all marques, Alfa Romeo? A company that has one of the finest legacies in motoring. Currently reduced to a two car range: The Mito, which is a pretty average supermini that doesn’t drive quite as well as the Punto it is based on, and the Giulietta which although competant, isn’t exactly setting the world alight with sales. This is a company with a history of some of the best sports cars made, and a company that pretty much invented the sports saloon – two glaring omissions from Alfa Romeo’s range since 2012. Who thought it would be a good idea to end production of 159, Brera, Spider and GT all at the same time without replacement? Oh yeah…

It all depends on what you look for in a car as to what purpose it will serve. To me, a car must have a bit of character, bit of soul. A personality. Call it what you will. I’m not a fan of cars that are sold as mere white goods-esque appliances which is why no matter how good they may be, I will never buy something like a Kia or Hyundai by choice. I want something more than just a device that propels you from A to B.

However, my current car is just that. An A to B get me to work and back tool. And that it is kind of what I need at the moment – something that was cheap to buy and run. But I didn’t want to go down the route of a Nissan, as I’ve had a Sunny and an Almera and they are literally the worst cars… in the world! There’s nothing redeeming about them. They are reasonable in everything they do. If they had human equivalents they’d be a chartered accountant called Arthur. So I bought something else.

So, as you may have read in my last post that I bought a boggo-spec, decade old Punto with 92,000 miles on the clock for a tidy sum (much, much less than a grand is all you need to know) as I wanted a runabout. Now friends and colleagues have all speculated that being an old Fiat it will break and implode very quickly. As of this moment (several months and a few thousand miles later) I’m still waiting for that to happen. I’m not superstitious but am touching wood! No, don’t twist it! I meant wood as in… Oh never mind!

Truth be told, it was far from my first choice of cars. I wanted something bigger and more substantial with a bigger engine. A Golf GTi was top of my list, but what I wanted my budget wouldn’t allow me to get a decent example. So after looking at a bunch of highly polished turds, we came across this not-very-polished-at-all turd. And drove it. And bought it.

It was with apprehension that we decided to take the Punto on our family Christmas holiday, but alas with problems with the Corsa being semi-crippled once again, there was no choice. It had a good engine service before going on the holiday, but I think I may have underestimated the car somewhat by filling the glovebox with screwdrivers, ratchets, spanners, cable ties and WD 40. It turns out that the Italian bambino transporter has come into its own and completely won me over. It undertook the journey from near the tail end of Cornwall up to the North East of England in its stride with no hiccups. It was used as the family taxi every day over the Christmas period ferrying the wife, bambino and bambino’s Great Nana, Grandma and Granddad around all around the North East.

Then over the New Year it was over to the North West of England. Cheshire to be precise. Then from there to a night stop over in Gloucester before heading across to Salisbury, with that being the last stop before travelling home. A total of just under 1400 miles and upon the journey home the odometer clicked over to 95,000 miles. And not once did it fail to start, leave us stranded, have anything fall off or need anything fixing. It didn’t use any oil or require any coolant. Am I sure this is a 10 year old Fiat?

It had all kinds of different types of road to contend with. Motorways, main roads, twisty country lanes with twisty cuntrymen driving in front of me, narrow tracks and it gobbled them all up. It averaged around the 48 mpg mark on the motorway and around 38-40 mpg for the rest. The steering feels pretty sharp for one of these and it turns in far better than my Stilo ever did. The gear change is nice and slick and it’s quite lively.

However there are downsides. It’s sparsely equipped. So sparse it doesn’t actually have ANY standard equipment, even the seats were optional. The doors were fitted later, and the dashboard has more blanks than an impotent pensioner. And only having 60 bhp to play with means it’s perplexed by hills. When fully laden with luggage for two adults, a baby and LOTS of Christmas stuff as well as aforementioned adults and baby, it’s quite a bit to ask of a car that has less power than an egg whisk.

So, it got confused by hills, but on the flat it was adequate and down hill, with a prevailing wind and a sail it was literally quicker at 63 mph than the BMW in the slower lane doing 58mph! 0-60 is best not measured as I’m pretty sure wind erosion is quicker. Our Corsa is quicker, but then the Punto has a fully functional reverse gear which the Corsa doesn’t.

To be fair though, this little old snotter of a banger did everything we wanted, and it really did endear itself to me. It got my family and I to where we wanted to go, eventually, and enabled us to have the perfect first Christmas with our son. It has plenty of foibles, but it does the job very well.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.